Jerkazoid
by shortshanks4
Summary: Sirius Black could be such a jerk sometimes and bullies one particular kid to the verge of nervous breakdown. Will justice be served? This one's got the Marauder's gang in all their glory! Sry, had to change the title.
1. Default Chapter

"Who's the Bully Now?"

By Shortshanks4

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters or anything else that's copyrighted for that matter.

"I'm bored."

Remus lifted his head from the ground to look at his friend Sirius. "What's that?"

"I said I'm bored."

"Are you now?" James said, a roughish grin spreading across his face, "Well I'm sure I can think of something. Let's see…we could set off dungbombs in Filch's office."

"James, we did that last week," Peter said, his moist little eyes wide.

"So we did," James sighed, "Well, we could always go out tonight and nick some brooms from the Quidditch shed."

"Those creaking old Vrooms?" Sirius said with a disgusted snort, "They're ancient."

James looked a bit taken aback and spat, "Well why don't _you_ think of something then? After all, you're the one that's always so bloody _bored!"_

Sirius sat up and scanned the school yard. He had a great eye for movement and soon spotted a student flailing around under a tree, almost out of sight. Sirius glanced at the others and crawled forward a ways, too lazy to stand up in the fading but still hot summer sun. His three friends followed until they were sitting all in a row, no longer protected by the shade of the beech tree.

"Remus, listen in. What's goin' on there? Is it something we want to see or is it two students who forgot to get a room?"

Remus had an almost supernatural sense of hearing. Even though he was still some four hundred meters from the person beneath the tree, Sirius was confident that his friend would be able to hear any words spoken perfectly well.

"It's just one student," Remus reported, "Sounds like Dennis Lei."

"Dennis who?" James asked.

"Dennis Lei, the Hufflepuff. He is a second year student," Peter murmured. He seemed to have a whole list in his head of his fellow students, their year, their House, and their social status.

"Something's attacking him," Remus said, "He's shouting at it and trying to mutter an incantation of some sort."

"Sounds interesting, let's go look," Sirius said. The four friends stood up and strolled over to the hidden, scraggly tree just around the corner of the castle. Sure enough, Dennis Lei was under it, struggling about and trying to shield his face. Something was flying around in the air, diving at him periodically and shooting bright red sparks.

"Stop it!" he cried, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to strip your varnish off; in fact, I was trying to polish you! Oh, I can't remember that last verse, it was 'dirty wand, dirty wand, let me make you –OW!!!"

"His wand's gone mad!" Remus remarked. Sirius and James chuckled in reply.

"Even his wand doesn't like him," Sirius chortled, "Look at it go! I wonder what they used for it. Something temperamental, that's for sure."

"I was in the shop repairing my wand the same day he was getting his," Peter informed them, "It was the tail hair of a Hippogriff."

"Well no wonder!" James snorted, "Hippogriffs don't like to be insulted, and being used by a blundering idiot has got to do a number on its ego!"

"Oi, you there!" Sirius shouted. Dennis turned his head and was promptly clobbered by his rampaging wand. Remus grabbed his own wand, stuck out his tongue in concentration as he aimed, and said, _"Finite!"_

The wand suddenly went stiff and dropped to the ground. Dennis hurriedly picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Thanks," he said to Remus.

"Don't mention" –

Remus was cut off when Sirius elbowed him sharply. "Do your magical instruments often try to take your head off?"

Everybody knew the answer to that question. During Transfiguration, Dennis had half-transformed a teacup into a niffler instead of a tortoise. It had jumped into his face and clawed his clothes to pieces in order to get at his gold necklace. During Herbology, Dennis had tried practicing his tortoise transfiguring spell and ended up causing a spade to sprout bat wings and assault him. He still had a reminder in the form of a large scar as a result of that attack.

"I made a mistake is all," Dennis said, blushing a deep magenta, "I'm a bit clumsy."

"A bit clumsy!" James repeated, "That's the understatement of the century! Your obituary is going to sound odd… 'Twenty year old man killed by a grotesquely transfigured toothbrush!'"

"It's not funny," Dennis muttered, stumping off in the other direction. James, Sirius, and Peter laughed, but Remus could only manage a bland smile. He was not one for taunting other students, but he was also not one to stop his friends from having their fun.

"Oh, I feel better already," Sirius gasped once he had finally stopped laughing, "So who wants to play a little game of fetch?"

"In broad daylight?" Peter hissed nervously.

"I'll wait till it gets a bit darker," Sirius assured him, an irritated edge in his voice. Peter always ruined his fun. "I'll bet any of you I could even catch a Fanged Frisbee."

"You're on!" James shouted.

"I'll inform Madam Pomfrey," Remus said sarcastically.

"Honestly, have a little faith in my retrieving abilities!" Sirius laughed, looping an arm around Remus' shoulders, "Have I ever once failed to catch something you've thrown at me?"

"That bludger did a fair number on you," Remus replied dryly.

"That was James' fault," Sirius quickly declared.

The next day, Sirius came to breakfast looking as if he'd been hit by a train. His face was scratched and bruised and covered in horrible puncture wounds. His dark, puffy eyes immediately signaled to everyone else that he was in a foul mood indeed, and all but three of the Gryffindors kept at least five feet away from him.

"Who called it?" Remus said, happily poking Sirius' arm. Even Sirius' angry slap did nothing to ruin Remus' smile.

"Shut up," Sirius snapped, glowering at his friends. Once he caught James' eye he growled, "You should have stunned the thing sooner." James just smirked at him.

Sirius remained in moody and sour for the rest of the day, and when Dennis Lei accidentally ran into him in the hall, he unloaded every insult he had, finishing with, "See ya 'round, Lei, Lord of the Flying Utensils! Bloody git."

"Sirius, just because you're having a rotten day does not mean you should go projecting your feelings on everyone else!" Remus scolded him, "That was uncalled for!"

"Mind your own business," Sirius snarled.

The taunting of Dennis Lei became a tradition for Sirius and occurred so often that the boy ran for cover the moment he saw the foursome coming towards him. Even James started to get uncomfortable with the downright abuse that Dennis suffered each day and became uncharacteristically quiet when Sirius cornered the boy after Transfiguration.

"Are all the Hufflepuffs completely brainless or is it just you?"

Dennis' black eyes flashed and his olive skin flushed a brick red. He clenched his little fists in anger and said boldly, "Hufflepuffs have talent and so do I! I'll have you know I'm a registered Animagus!"

The whole crowd around Dennis froze and looked curiously at him as soon as he had said this.

"And what can you become, a toad?" Sirius sneered.

"No," Dennis said defensively.

"Then what is your creature?" Sirius prodded him, "Come on now, prove me wrong. Show me your magnificent creature!"

Dennis stared down at the ground, his shiny black hair falling in front of his eyes. "I'm not allowed to transform without permission."

"Or is that you really can't transform at all?" Sirius said mysteriously. Dennis stuck his fingers in his ears and walked the other way. Sirius mocked him behind his back. Remus and James shook their heads disapprovingly.

"You really are a bully," Remus chided him, "And it'll catch up with you one day, mark my words."

"Oh, stop prophesying, you ninny," Sirius teased. The smile faded off his face when he saw the looks on Peter and James' faces. "Aw, come on, I was just having a bit of fun!"

"Sure," James said, punching his arm.

Unfortunately, the day was not over for Dennis Lei. Sirius and his posse caught up with him as he was leaving lunch.

"Hullo there, Lei!" Sirius called, "Come on back here, Lord of the Utensils. Aw, are you scared of me?"

Dennis stopped in his tracks, his shoulders so tense that they reached his ears, and slowly turned around. Sirius caught up with him near the door.

"That little cockroach I saw in the boy's bathroom today, was that you? Or was it the fly I nearly shot down in the Common Room?"

"No," Dennis said through gritted teeth.

"I've seen a lot of Hufflepuffs, and none of them are as bad as you."

Remus flinched. The look on Sirius' face told him that he was about ready to deliver a stinging blow.

"Or maybe it's just something about Chinese people."

Dennis stiffened even more, clenching his teeth so tightly that it looked as if they might crack. Satisfied with this response, Sirius turned around and marched slowly and purposefully toward the door.

"Sirius," Remus squeaked.

"Your hormones getting to you again, Remus?" Sirius snorted, "Ah, you know what they say, voice changing is the curse of all" –

"Sirius!" Remus squealed again, plucking frantically at the sleeve of Sirius' robes, "Sirius, Sirius!"

"What's the matter with you, Remus…?" Sirius let his sentence trail off when just then Sirius noticed the huge shadow that had been cast from just about the level of the ceiling all the way down to the floor and the silence that had suddenly fallen over the Great Hall like a wet blanket. He froze and reluctantly turned around.

There, standing in front of Sirius, was an enormous, fully grown monster, a Chinese Red dragon. The first view Sirius got of it was that of its ghastly clawed feet. His gaze subconsciously traveled upward, from his squat legs to his long, lizard-like belly, to his spindly arms, up his aggressively arched neck, and finally to his beastly, dangerous head, complete with copper eyes and dripping fangs. If Sirius wasn't mistaken, those eyes were trained directly on him.

"Does that look like a cockroach to you?" James whispered.

Sirius shook his head, but his mouth was too dry to be spoken through. If there was any dragon that had it in for him, this was the one. Sure enough, the dragon unfurled his huge wings and glared down at Sirius, letting loose a horrible shriek that rocked the entire hall. Students screamed and scattered in all directions, including Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter, but the dragon quickly followed Sirius and stuck to him like a flea on a dog.

"No!" Sirius screamed, pointing his wand over his shoulder, _"Immobilia!"_

The pounding of enormous, scaled feet did not cease, and despite being admittedly quite prideful, Sirius began to wail and shriek like a terrified maiden. He darted like a maniac around the room, feeling like a mouse fleeing from a huge cat. He had never run so quickly in his life, or jumped so high. He cleared the Slytherin House table in one desperate leap, kicking a bowl of fruit onto the ground in the process. As the dragon passed beneath a large chandelier, he knocked it right off its hinges, causing it to slam down behind Sirius and shatter. Sirius almost tripped, his heart leaping into his throat and his lungs aching with terror.

"I'm sorry, Lei!" he cried over his shoulder, "I shouldn't have been so cruel to you! Can't we just make up, be friends, and put this all behind us?"

The dragon responded by shooting a long jet of fire at Sirius, who narrowly dodged the attack and felt the heat singe his hair. If he wasn't mistaken, he smelled something else burning as well.

"Oh no!" he cried, skidding to a stop and tearing off his blazing robe. The short delay cost Sirius his lead on the dragon. He turned around and found himself staring straight up at its horrible fangs. He squinted as the acrid smell of smoke hit his face and cursed under his breath, hissing, "Why'd it have to be a _dragon_, of all things?"


	2. And the Bully Gets His

"And the Bully Gets His"

By shortshanks4

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, those are J.K.R.'s.

The night after Sirius' fateful dragon attack, Remus, Peter, and James went to visit him in Madam Pomfrey's hospital ward. He was bound like a mummy in most places, and any skin that was showing was raw and blistering. The clothes lying beside his bed were still smoldering.

"Hullo Sirius," James hailed as he walked up to Sirius' bed. Sirius moaned softly in reply. James set a large box containing assorted sweets, candies, and a squeaky rubber ball on Sirius' bedside table and grinned at him. "We come bearing gifts. We even got you a nice, safe, non-fanged fetch toy."

Sirius ignored the presents and wailed, "Why, oh why couldn't he have been a cockroach?"

"Tough luck, I guess," James said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah," Sirius sniffed, "Real tough luck. That's not the half of it. Here I am with third degree burns, and all Lei got was detention for torching a fellow student!"

"When can you come back to class?" Peter asked.

"Five days," Sirius said gloomily, "And I have to drink fifteen different kinds of potions five times a day. She even wakes me up at night to shove vats of stuff down my throat. Makes me eat healthy food and the like, no candy, she says. I say she should go jump off a bridge."

"I told you it'd catch up with you if you kept bullying Lei," Remus said quietly, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he waited for Sirius to implode. Much to his surprise, Sirius only sighed.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, "You told me. And let me tell _you _all something. If I _ever_ crack on a kid about his ethnicity again, just go ahead and beat me over the head with something large…preferably heavy, too."

James' smile turned roughish at this suggestion. Remus smiled as well, but his expression was not quite as disturbing as his friend's. Peter gasped and covered his mouth in horror.

"Why would you let us do that, Sirius?" he squeaked, "Wouldn't that hurt you?"

"'Course it would," Sirius said gruffly, "But let me tell you, being knocked flat out and having a dent in my skull would be _nothing_ compared to this! I mean, look at me! I'm a human shish kabob!"

James smirked when Sirius said this, but Remus could not stifle his chuckles. Sirius endured the rather painful motion of sitting up to glower at him. Remus tittered nervously and fished something out of his pocket, offering it meekly to Sirius. "Have some chocolate."


End file.
